How Does Santa Keep Track of Who's Naughty And Nice? 

"So," little Timmy says, "how in the hell does one man keep tabs on the actions of every kid, in every part of the world, all year?"

There are literally billions of kids on the planet, and we're expected to believe that Santa not only keeps track of every last one of them at all times, but smites the bad ones with 19th century train fuel while showering the good kids with free stuff?

So How Does Santa Do it?

Oh, children. Have you never heard of the NSA? You see, Santa has a surveillance system rivaling our worst Orwellian nightmares at his disposal. All of the technology needed to observe your every action with impunity very much exists, and you can bet the farm he's employing it to keep track of children like you at this very moment.

If you are a regular Cracked reader, you probably already know that super-spy technologies aren't just future talk, but are terrifyingly real. From flying surveillance robots to prototypes of mind reading computers, Santa probably has access to all of them. 

Of course he couldn't keep every good and bad little boy and girl in the world on a physical "list" that he checks twice. That's what databases are for. When you backtalk your Mom over a cell phone, or spout racism over Xbox Live, Santa's network captures it. He has Naughty/Nice algorithms that run 24 hours a day to track precisely the moment you fall out of one category and into another. There are even supercomputers right now that can predict how likely you are to misbehave in the future. Santa's version can probably start assembling a likely "Nice" list by early spring.

So you see, children, scientists have been perfecting the art of watching people without their knowledge for decades. And as we are about to see, Santa is clearly ahead of the curve technologically, so who knows what kind of scary shit he has in store for this next generation of kids?